Put up
I’ve completely emptied both of the rolling ‘catalog’ cases that I use for laptop/file transport. I’ve gone through my truck. I’ve checked every possible location I can think of – and still a document has gone missing.
Piss me off.
---
So this weekend should be horrendous. The county fair started Wednesday and I conveniently took a “business trip” to the other side of the state that very day and won’t be back until late tonight. The fair ends tomorrow and I have absolutely NO interest in going to it, despite the fact that The Boy is on the Fair Board and both kids get such a kick out of the rides, games, food and social aspects. I’m really not very helpful, supportive or cooperative when it comes to stuff I’ve come to abhor.
But now, right now, I’ll pack up my mobile office, say my goodbyes to the remaining staff, and start the long drive home…
Today’s Shuffle (Paused. Again.)
Labels: random
Just call me Eyeore
People who know me in real life have chimed in with concern and consternation regarding the previous post, so I believe I must qualify my emotional dumping by completely ignoring it.
I kid.
But really, it has been far too long since I forced myself to write – and let me qualify that, too – forced myself to write for my own blog, which I love and enjoy – or at least I did before going all “radio silence” for so very long. I write all the damn time…email, proposals, email, directions, email, appraisals, email, to-do lists, email…but I don’t find myself enjoying it as much as sitting down, emptying the contents of my head onto the page, spell checking, posting to northerngirl.org and then walking the hell away from it.
I find recreational writing to be a mental and emotional purging for me. Must be what confession is to sinful Catholics? I’m not sure.
I’ve wandered away from that line of thought already…I’m so not going there today.
Something is off balance. Inside. I know what it is but I’m not sure I’m ready to look to better living through modern pharmaceuticals just yet. A trip to the doctor is in order, I’m sure.
Today’s Shuffle (paused, sorry)
Happy birthday, ML (yesterday). I adore you.Labels: stupid me
Night Blindness
This is like starting over, except not.
Every time I feel I have hit bottom, the floor drops away and I free fall – which is an exhilarating feeling, really. You know – except for that sudden, painful stop at the end.
Is this what it feels like to be crazy? Is this what it is like to be depressed? Tell me, please, because I am not sure if I have lost my mind or if I’m just not doing something right – and maybe that is the fucking point.
I am tilting at windmills if I can’t grab a physician by the hand and point to a gaping wound on a part of my body – and say “This is broken…please fix it!” I don’t know the language. I don’t know the words to use. I’m laughing at myself because I sound so trite, so pedestrian – even in my own head when I try to describe what is going on – that I start laughing aloud, and then think I must be just going through a rough patch…see? I can still laugh. The world is not ending.
I’m slapping band-aids on emotions and hoping nothing gets infected.
But currently, I’m hiding in my office, hoping no one figures out where I am. I need to release the river of pent up posts bobbing about in the grey matter between my ears. I’m also thinking I should walk away, turn off my phone, fill my truck with gas and see how far I could drive before…what? Before I ran out of gas? Before I had to stop to sleep? But I won’t. I won’t walk away, that is. I’ll think about it, but I won’t do it. Yet.
(The glorious return of… )
Today’s Shuffle:
“Courage (For Hugh Maclennan)” by The Tragically Hip
“Last to Know” by Pink
“Hurts So Good” by John Mellencamp
“Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison
“Tequila Loves Me” by Kenny Chesney
“Haven’t Got the Right to Love You” by Josh Crowe
“Clear the Area” by Imogen Heap
Labels: stupid me
New pictures on Flickr
Because
it has been a while.
Check the sets - especially the prom pictures when I get that far.
(I'm too young to have a daughter old enough to go to her Junior Prom. Right?)Today's Shuffle:
(Still thawing out after a brutal winter.)
Labels: flickr
Of one’s own
Would you believe I had to go read my own blog just now? To see for myself how damn long it has really been since I had the courage to click “publish?”
Sad.
And no – I have not jumped jobs. Yet. Though considering how things are going, I may do just that whether I want to or not.
And also no – I have not lashed together a raft and floated to Canada on the Wild, Wild Red River. Yet. Though considering how things are going, I may do just that whether I want to or not.
Ha!
Anyway. The snow has stopped. For now. The river has started to recede. For now.
Though another crest is expected the middle of next week, I think. I feel so damn sorry for those people who live on the river. I shouldn’t – because it is a CHOICE to live there. I don’t care what you say. It is a damn CHOICE to live next to the river. But I still feel sorry for them. I do.
I cannot even imagine how awful it must be to work so hard to save your house and lose it anyway. You sandbag. You patrol levees. You run sump pumps. You pray. You shake your fist at the clouds and scream obscenities at the falling rain and snow. And still…at what point does a person just say, “Enough of this shit. I’m moving to the desert. Or to the mountains. Or to the beach. Or to a place where there is NOT a river.”
I don’t have the answer. Nevertheless, I have considered at what point during a natural disaster I would walk away from a house full of memory and possessions…what would it really take?
Not very fucking much.
I have no delusions of grandeur or hallucinations of superiority when it comes to Mother Nature. I know where I rank. One does not mess with that bitch…not even on a good day.
Let me show you how pissed off she’s been lately:
See what I mean? You just do not fuck around with Mother Nature. Getting home Monday night was tricky. Good thing I left town before it got dark.
And as a status update, I am on the road far, far away from home tonight. Beer is involved. At least tonight. Me and a six-er of Rolling Rock. Not sure how I feel about that, yet. I will be on the road again tomorrow, going even farther away from home. Not sure how I feel about that, yet, either.
But Thursday night…Thursday night’s gonna be all right.
Today’s Shuffle:
“Neon” by John Mayer
“Until We Fall Back in Love Again” by Jeff Carson
“Say, Say, Say” by Paul McCartney
“How You Remind Me” by Nickelback
“Take the Money and Run” by Steve Miller Band
“Sitting, Waiting, Wishing” by Jack Johnson
“She Moved Through the Fair” by Charlotte Church
“These Boots are Made for Walking” by Sam Phillips
“Show Me What I’m Looking For” by Carolina Liar
Labels: observation, travel, weather
The urge to cry
I have been in this hotel since Monday night.
The combination of being trapped here because of the weather and the overwhelming work listed on my to-do list has me fighting the urge to curl into a fetal position under the covers, run up a white flag and cry surrender.
So to fight the urge, I am doing laundry. When I left home, not planning to be gone for quite this long, I packed light and casual. I can recycle jeans and sweatshirts an extra day, but I draw a hard line when it comes to clean socks and underwear.
Also, to fight the urge, I am working my way through a giant box of Kleenex. My nose has gone rogue and taken over my ears, my eyes and the back of my throat. Throw in the lovely aura-like lights and sparkles that precede a migraine and I am a very pretty picture sitting here in my rented room. It is a good thing I am alone; the constant mouth breathing is annoying even me.
And because I just don’t have enough to do, what with work, laundry and trying my best not to get sick(-er than I already am), I’ll spend the better part of an hour procrastinating my real job by surfing around looking for a different one.
I know what you are thinking, so you do not have to tell me.
Today’s Shuffle:
“Faith in Love” by Reba McEntire & Rascal Flatts
“As Long as You’re Looking Back” by Gary Allan
“Gimme Three Steps” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Dancing on My Own Ground” by Lawrence Gowan
“The Boys of Summer” by Don Henley
“Tiny Little Fractures” by Snow Patrol
Labels: sick, stupid me, weather
The morning after
Same view from the hotel window.
Buried pickup. This could be interesting.
Today's Shuffle:
Still paused. Obviously.
Labels: weather
Stranded...but not really
The new truck...in a blizzard.
What I see when I look out my hotel window. Note the snowbank in the foreground. Isn't winter grand?
Today's Shuffle:
Still paused - for now.
Labels: weather
Death by acronym
What the hell? Where have I been?
I honestly can’t say. Not with any certainty. My new truck’s odometer hovers about the 4000 mile number and I wonder how far away I could be had all those miles been in one general direction instead of looping back and back on and on themselves.
(Audible sigh. Loud audible sigh.)
Work has wound itself into a snit and me with it. I can’t even begin to tell you, so I won’t.
Home has also tied me in knots, and not the kind that draw one closer, but the kind that binds. And chafes. And is generally uncomfortable.
And so it goes. Work pulling on home. Home pulling on work. Me in the middle feeling much like salt-water taffy, but not nearly so tasty or pliable. Or colorful. I am looking much like the snow that banks and drifts around corners and swirls about fence posts. Kind of grainy. And cold. And wishing for spring so I can melt, already.
Today’s Shuffle:
Paused.
Labels: observation, odd, sad
