Quitting smoking (or not) one flaw at a time
(This is a post I'm submitting to ProBlogger's Group Writing Project...because I just can't walk away from a project. Let me know what you think.)I am failing miserably in my quest to be smoke free, but I’m not ready to quit quitting.
‘Traditional’ methods used to kick the habit, such as nicotine gum, candy, patches, etc., have not worked for me. There is something deeper at work here, so out of desperation, I went mucking about, sans chaperone, in my psyche and soul. I have identified several personality flaws that are preventing me from reaching goal.
What follows is a list of my flaws (related to smoking – come on, I don’t have that much time), an example that illustrates that flaw, and a solution I have concocted as a work-around.
Flaw #1: I am a ditz.
Example: I detail my truck (complete with the little Christmas tree air freshener), promising myself I won’t smoke in there again and promptly forget said promise until I’m half way through my morning cigarette on the way to town.
Solution: Drive the company car (where NO SMOKING signs abound). Explain extra miles with the words “business errands” or something equally obscure.
Flaw #2: I am weak.
Example: I finish a pack and swear I will not buy another. Then my husband asks me to stop at the convenience store to pick up something, and I cave.
Solution: Divorce the husband who asks me to buy things in shops that also sell cigarettes. Use the money saved to pay lawyer fees, alimony and child support.
Flaw #3: I am too sociable.
Example: I’m plugging away at my job when one of my officemates will invite me outside for a ‘quick break’ and I cave again.
Solution: Pick petty fights with officemates over things like staplers and paperclips so they ‘forget’ to invite me outside for smoke breaks. Eat lunch alone.
Flaw #4: I am under stress.
Example: I found myself sitting on the curb of my office parking lot, chain-smoking, after an exceptionally stressful conference call.
Solution: Every time stress slams me into a wall and the desire to light up hits, drink something. Water, soda, beer, shots of tequila – my choice – depending on where I am, what the situation is, and what my boss/husband/children/liver will tolerate.
Random solution I just thought of: If none of that works, balance the checkbook and determine how much money is going to Phillip Morris directly from my account to their legal defense fund. Hyperventilate quietly while chanting veni vidi vici.
If all else fails: Cry. Of course.
That’s my “how to” in a round-about way. I’m not holding out a lot of hope that it will work, but I have to keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
19 Comments:
Man, good luck with that. I stopped smoking a few years back because I kept getting really bad bronchitis. I don't suggest you stop that way, it is not fun. I know a few people who have used the patch, but I am thinking you may have tried that already.
This was a good blog, by they way. I liked it.
Also, whatever happened to that blogger from "Granny gets a vibrator"? I just went to her site and it does not exist anymore. I HOPE she is okay..... :(
I like the way it's written, very much!
I've never smoked, but I do truly enjoy sitting downwind of someone who is, if it's something fragrant like a fine cigar or a pipe.
Maybe if you put no smoking signs in your truck? Tell your hubby you can't go to the store for (some lame reason that he would be afraid to argue with).
Crying always works for me...
I tried smoking briefly as a teen and my father, who taught Neurology, brought home a diseased lung from a recently expired 3-pack-a-day smoker. That worked.
Ugh. I'm glad I never started. Our list is up as well if you'd like to check it out!!
Great post Northern Girl! I quit smoking myself - but I can't give a lot of advice about it because it happened when I got pregnant. And before I even knew I was pregnant I had to stop because they were making me so violently ill I just couldn't take it.
So I suppose if you get desperate, you could always get knocked up! ;)
Great post! I'm still working on my death stick addiction, and can relate with just about everything you've written... except the husband part...
I'm not going to quit quitting either. Every smoke I don't smoke is a smoke I didn't smoke.
Good luck! :) And thanks!
Fun! Glad I didn't start, my sister tries to quit at least twice a year...
Naynay: It helps to know people have managed to quit, even though I have not. (Granny took down her blog to deal with her cancer/not cancer situation. Very sad.)
Rootie: My dad smokes a pipe and he blends his own tobacco. Mmmmm. Nothing better - but smoking a pipe is not vogue for women. At least not up north. :)
MDuck: Good on you for not starting.
eMom: Yeah, the getting knocked up part? Won't work for me...recently spayed, me.
Lyman: Good luck to you, too, man. We quitters have to stick together.
Jersey: Twice a year? I must be an exceptional quitter - I try twice a day!
Thanks for all the comments, folks. Love it. LOVE it.
I don't have personal experience with it since I've never gotten an addiction to smoking (random cigars never became a habit), but I have written a training program a few years ago that my brother used to quit smoking. He replaced his smoking with running and lifting weights.
The exercise gives you the endorphin rush, and also helps control your weight gain that quitting smoking is inevitably going to cause.
Thanks for stopping over at Run to Win. Always glad to have company!
Keep tryin'! I like the way your post is written, too. Good insights...lots of self acceptance...plus made me smile :)
I only smoke a pipe in private, behind a brick wall. What's not in up North is REALLY not in down South.
Blaine: As a closet athlete, I'd be interested in your training program. I'm willing to try just about anything now.
Olivia: Thanks for the kind words. Appreciate it!
Rootie: I heard somewhere that if the world ends, it would be best to be in Dakota country - as it takes about 20 years for us to catch up to the rest of the world. :)
Loved the way you wrote that. And though I've never smoked, I commiserate on an empathic level, because I feel the same sort of issues running through me in regard to the way I sabotage myself over eating more sensibly so I can lose a few kilos and feel ever so much better about myself!
Like your blog too.
(I've submitted a blog to the Writing Project too.. hope it got there and makes it to the list. I would really welcome some feedback!)
Tracey
Great post. I quit a few years back and now only have the occasional pipe or cigar. I find it much more enjoyable, too. Good luck!
CrazyT: There are over 200 entries in the Writing Project now - unreal. I hope I can get to most of them.
Ray: Another quitter! Good on you...How did you do it - Chinese Water Torture? Shock Therapy? Just wondering...
Good luck! We've got quite a few people on our forum trying to quit too so I have sent them all to read this!
Hat tip to Problogger - I am finding so many new blogs!!!
Have a great day
Ross
G'day Northen Girl,
I actually found this post quite amusing so I linked to it from a recent post of mine ( Smoking News - September 20th. It gave me a good giggle so I wanted to share your post with my readers.
Ross and Scott - thanks for the linky-love! I appreciate it lots and lots. I'll try to post something like you guys did later today.
This is a topic that we're eventually gonna try to tackle Redneck style over at our site.
But lots of fun to read your thoughts on it. Great site.
I can't seem to knock the habit myself. I smoke a lot when I'm out, but not so much in the house. I think for me it has a lot to do with environment and daily routine.
i.e. change the routine and the environment, and it's easier to change your bad habits as well.
In any case, good luck.
...and our How-to list is up as well
Quitting smoking is stressful. Especially if you're an old guy in the office. In the video this guy is so stressed from not having a cigarette that people purposely bug him and he starts throwing computers and flipping out. The commercial was developed for Zyban, the pharmaceutical drug to help people quit.
http://www.madweird.com/hilarious-videos/quitting-smoking-is-stressful
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